החתונה יהודית הראשונה שלי
VERY exciting things to report from Jerusalem this week - I attended my first proper Jewish wedding! And it was a RIOT. I blogged recently on how much Israelis like to party and it appears that the desire to party is magnified a hundredfold when there's a marriage involved. One of my friends from work, the lovely Naomi, got married to Shimon in an evening ceremony at a beautiful venue called Ein Yael (עין יעל) on the outskirts of Jerusalem. And then we danced until our feet could take no more.
Naomi works in the primary school at AISJ and her mum, Pauline, is the PA to the various Heads of school, and therefore, like Head's PAs the world over, the cog round which the entire school turns. Pauline and her husband Keith are from the UK originally but made aliyah here long, long ago and their three children are 100% Israeli. Naomi and Pauline are both treasures and have both been incredibly good to me since I arrived here: it was Pauline who helped me ship my stuff here and then spent the first six months speaking Hebrew on the phone on my behalf to various electricity/removal/washing-machine men; it was Naomi who gave me the inside information that I was in need of when I first started dating Israeli guys; it was their family I spent Pesach with this year. Naomi's wedding was a big deal for a lot of staff at our school so not only did I get to go to my first Israeli wedding but I got to celebrate it with lots of my colleagues who are excellent value at events like these. In many ways, it was like weddings all over the world - lots of joy, lots of dancing, lots of food - but of course, it being Jewish it was totally different to the weddings I've attended back home.
Christian weddings, and secular weddings where the bride and groom are not particularly religious but like the traditional 'white wedding', follow a pretty set pattern, which I'm sure you'll know but which I'm going to summarise in the interests of comparison with Monday night: visitors arrive at the church (bride's family and friends on the left of the church, groom's on the right), bride enters with the father, some prayers, giving away of the bride, prayers/singing, the actual marriage vows, sermon, signing of the register, more prayers/singing, bride and groom leave. Everyone then hightails it to the reception venue where there are drinks, dinner, speeches and then dancing. I've been to plenty of Christian weddings, some very formal and some less so - I think, during my twenties, I averaged about 4 or 5 a year most years - and I've also been to one semi-Jewish (but not really) wedding of an Israeli friend from university. He and his wife had a humanist wedding ceremony where you can basically choose whatever you want to have in the ceremony itself (or at least that's what Raviv told me). From what I remember of the day there were some Jewish traditions there like the glass smashing thing, and the bit where the bride and groom are put on people's shoulders and everyone dances around them, though Rav's sister told me that it was a pretty poor effort, unsurprisingly for a room full of (mostly) gentiles.
Jewish weddings have some of these elements but not all of them, plus of course this being an Israeli wedding most if not all of the formality went straight out of the window. We arrived at around 7 p.m. and there was much eating, much drinking and much general milling around and chatting. I, of course, was enjoying the novelty of an outdoors event where people didn't need scarves, coats or umbrellas; I went to one wedding on a clifftop in Cornwall in the middle of what seemed like a howling gale; it's a miracle the marquee held up. About an hour after this initial merriment the ceremony itself began. Jewish weddings take place under a chupah, an open-sided canopy, which symbolises the new home the couple will build together. Lots and lots of symbolism in Jewish weddings, just fyi. Anyway, people grabbed a seat wherever they could, though lots of people stayed standing (half of them, it seemed, in front of me) and the whole thing kicked off: the groom entered, escorted by his parents and with much whooping and cheering from the guests; then the bride entered, escorted by her parents. The bride is veiled, depending on the particular Jewish background you come from - I think it's Ashkenazis who do it, not Sephardis - and Naomi was, so Shimon came down from the chupah and lifted the veil off. This, my Jewish colleague Ruth explained to me, is done because of the story of Jacob in the bible - Jacob wanted to marry Rachel, the beautiful younger daughter of Laban, but was tricked into marrying Leah, the less-attractive older daughter (poor girl) through the clever use of a veil to disguise her features (sneaky). So the groom needs to check that he's got the right girl under the veil. They then went back to the chupah and the actual ceremony began.
Obviously, Jewish weddings vary according to tradition and degree of religious observance but there are several things that are always included. Firstly, the rabbi sang seven blessings (the Sheva Brachot) which half of the guests joined in with - this, it turns out, is another difference as it appears that Jewish weddings are pretty interactive and not only do people chime in loudly at various points during the service but they also chat to each other throughout the ceremony. You'd be tutted at loudly in if you tried that on in an English church, but this is Israel so pretty much anything goes. So, after the blessings they exchanged rings, though the fact that Naomi gave Shimon a ring is pretty non-traditional; interestingly this is something fairly new in modern British weddings too. My dad and other men I know of his generation don't wear wedding rings. They recited some verses from the Song of Solomon (in Hebrew, obviously) and I have a feeling they drank some wine at some point - my concentration span was already limited by the copious amounts of alcohol that had been flowing before the ceremony and with all the people chatting all around me I didn't pick up some of the finer points of what was going on. After this we were all shown the ctubah (כתובה) which is the marriage certificate that all Jews must have and is essentially a contract (as Ruth again explained to me) between bride and groom. It's kind of like a pre-nuptial agreement as it used to contain information about the bride's dowry and the responsibilities the groom has towards the bride, and at some traditional weddings they actually read the whole thing out loud
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And then came the bit that you probably know about, the breaking of the glass - a wine glass is wrapped in cloth, placed on the ground and the groom smashes it with his foot. This is done to symbolise either the fact that joy must be tempered, or the fact that Jews still mourn the destruction of the Temple in A.D. 70. Ruth told me that sometimes they actually cheat and use a light-bulb to make sure there is the required smashing noise. Anyway, it's the end of the ceremony and is therefore the signal for a massive chupah invasion, where all the guests mob the bride and groom and everyone shouts mazal tov very, very loudly. Then the music starts playing, people hug and cheer and the serious partying starts.
The whole ceremony was over in about half an hour - unlike most of the weddings I've been to which clock in, with all the singing and the sermon, at around an hour at least. And then we all headed up to another part of the venue, where there were tables and lots of buffet stands for food, but everyone completely ignored that and headed straight for either the dance-floor or the bar. This was the start of about four hours of fairly solid dancing, with a brief stop for some food here and there or a return trip to the bar, the necessity of which one guy managed to get around by swiping a bottle of vodka when the bartenders weren't looking. He then wandered round the dance-floor handing out shots and adding to the general conviviality.
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I was pretty pleased that they did the whole 'bride-and-groom-on-the-shoulders' thing, though also amused by the running commentary from one of my friends about how unstable the entire operation was (not surprising, given the amount of booze most people had consumed). I was also pretty impressed by the commitment demonstrated by people of all ages to keeping the party going on the dancefloor.
I did miss the speeches, as they're generally one of the things I enjoy most in weddings back home, though we should be frank about the fact that they can be a hit-and-miss affair. I've been at weddings where both the father of the bride and the best man have completely nailed it, and I've been at weddings where you could hear the tumble weed blowing in the background. I've even given a wedding speech myself, having been 'best person' at my mate Dave's wedding to Severine, and it was a fairly nerve-racking experience. Having no speeches meant more time for the eating and the dancing and the drinking (it wouldn't be an Israeli party without these things though given that I had to be in work at 7.20 a.m. the next morning I avoided most of the heavy-duty drinking that went on). Overall though, I think the biggest difference I noticed (other than the lack of singing - how can you have a wedding without singing?) was that the whole thing was just so much more relaxed than any wedding I've ever attended back home, even the ones where there were céilidhs, games on the lawn and raucous live music. I actually rather like the formality of the wedding breakfast, but I suspect that is largely to do with my upbringing and social background and I did enjoy the relaxed atmosphere and laid-back je ne sais quoi vibe of the whole event. I think that difference is largely cultural, Israelis being really not that keen on formality of any kind, plus I gather from Israeli friends who were also there that Naomi and Shimon's wedding was pretty secular in comparison to many.
So, my first Jewish/Israeli wedding. I loved it, with all the tradition and the laughter and the dancing. I've said before on this blog that I like how Jews remember so much, and there are so many actions that are loaded with layers of meaning as a result. Of course wedding ceremonies vary the world over, depending on the religion and cultural context, but when all's said and done the fact that remains that most weddings celebrate the choice that a woman and a man make to form a family of their own and build a life together, and being part of that event is always a joyous and special thing. Having said that, after attending my first wedding in Israel here are the things I think I'm going to need should I ever meet someone I want to marry who also wants to marry me: a country where the weather is warm enough for outdoor partying; loud music and dancing the minute the ceremony is finished; and firm instructions to all guests to stay in their seats and not obstruct the view of people sitting behind them. All this informality is excellent, until someone can't see what's actually going on because the person in front of them decided to film the entire thing on their ipad.
PS. This blog is dedicated to Pauline, who is fabulous.
Naomi works in the primary school at AISJ and her mum, Pauline, is the PA to the various Heads of school, and therefore, like Head's PAs the world over, the cog round which the entire school turns. Pauline and her husband Keith are from the UK originally but made aliyah here long, long ago and their three children are 100% Israeli. Naomi and Pauline are both treasures and have both been incredibly good to me since I arrived here: it was Pauline who helped me ship my stuff here and then spent the first six months speaking Hebrew on the phone on my behalf to various electricity/removal/washing-machine men; it was Naomi who gave me the inside information that I was in need of when I first started dating Israeli guys; it was their family I spent Pesach with this year. Naomi's wedding was a big deal for a lot of staff at our school so not only did I get to go to my first Israeli wedding but I got to celebrate it with lots of my colleagues who are excellent value at events like these. In many ways, it was like weddings all over the world - lots of joy, lots of dancing, lots of food - but of course, it being Jewish it was totally different to the weddings I've attended back home.
Christian weddings, and secular weddings where the bride and groom are not particularly religious but like the traditional 'white wedding', follow a pretty set pattern, which I'm sure you'll know but which I'm going to summarise in the interests of comparison with Monday night: visitors arrive at the church (bride's family and friends on the left of the church, groom's on the right), bride enters with the father, some prayers, giving away of the bride, prayers/singing, the actual marriage vows, sermon, signing of the register, more prayers/singing, bride and groom leave. Everyone then hightails it to the reception venue where there are drinks, dinner, speeches and then dancing. I've been to plenty of Christian weddings, some very formal and some less so - I think, during my twenties, I averaged about 4 or 5 a year most years - and I've also been to one semi-Jewish (but not really) wedding of an Israeli friend from university. He and his wife had a humanist wedding ceremony where you can basically choose whatever you want to have in the ceremony itself (or at least that's what Raviv told me). From what I remember of the day there were some Jewish traditions there like the glass smashing thing, and the bit where the bride and groom are put on people's shoulders and everyone dances around them, though Rav's sister told me that it was a pretty poor effort, unsurprisingly for a room full of (mostly) gentiles.
Jewish weddings have some of these elements but not all of them, plus of course this being an Israeli wedding most if not all of the formality went straight out of the window. We arrived at around 7 p.m. and there was much eating, much drinking and much general milling around and chatting. I, of course, was enjoying the novelty of an outdoors event where people didn't need scarves, coats or umbrellas; I went to one wedding on a clifftop in Cornwall in the middle of what seemed like a howling gale; it's a miracle the marquee held up. About an hour after this initial merriment the ceremony itself began. Jewish weddings take place under a chupah, an open-sided canopy, which symbolises the new home the couple will build together. Lots and lots of symbolism in Jewish weddings, just fyi. Anyway, people grabbed a seat wherever they could, though lots of people stayed standing (half of them, it seemed, in front of me) and the whole thing kicked off: the groom entered, escorted by his parents and with much whooping and cheering from the guests; then the bride entered, escorted by her parents. The bride is veiled, depending on the particular Jewish background you come from - I think it's Ashkenazis who do it, not Sephardis - and Naomi was, so Shimon came down from the chupah and lifted the veil off. This, my Jewish colleague Ruth explained to me, is done because of the story of Jacob in the bible - Jacob wanted to marry Rachel, the beautiful younger daughter of Laban, but was tricked into marrying Leah, the less-attractive older daughter (poor girl) through the clever use of a veil to disguise her features (sneaky). So the groom needs to check that he's got the right girl under the veil. They then went back to the chupah and the actual ceremony began.
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| Checking he's got the right girl |
.jpg)
And then came the bit that you probably know about, the breaking of the glass - a wine glass is wrapped in cloth, placed on the ground and the groom smashes it with his foot. This is done to symbolise either the fact that joy must be tempered, or the fact that Jews still mourn the destruction of the Temple in A.D. 70. Ruth told me that sometimes they actually cheat and use a light-bulb to make sure there is the required smashing noise. Anyway, it's the end of the ceremony and is therefore the signal for a massive chupah invasion, where all the guests mob the bride and groom and everyone shouts mazal tov very, very loudly. Then the music starts playing, people hug and cheer and the serious partying starts.
The whole ceremony was over in about half an hour - unlike most of the weddings I've been to which clock in, with all the singing and the sermon, at around an hour at least. And then we all headed up to another part of the venue, where there were tables and lots of buffet stands for food, but everyone completely ignored that and headed straight for either the dance-floor or the bar. This was the start of about four hours of fairly solid dancing, with a brief stop for some food here and there or a return trip to the bar, the necessity of which one guy managed to get around by swiping a bottle of vodka when the bartenders weren't looking. He then wandered round the dance-floor handing out shots and adding to the general conviviality.
.jpg)
I was pretty pleased that they did the whole 'bride-and-groom-on-the-shoulders' thing, though also amused by the running commentary from one of my friends about how unstable the entire operation was (not surprising, given the amount of booze most people had consumed). I was also pretty impressed by the commitment demonstrated by people of all ages to keeping the party going on the dancefloor.
I did miss the speeches, as they're generally one of the things I enjoy most in weddings back home, though we should be frank about the fact that they can be a hit-and-miss affair. I've been at weddings where both the father of the bride and the best man have completely nailed it, and I've been at weddings where you could hear the tumble weed blowing in the background. I've even given a wedding speech myself, having been 'best person' at my mate Dave's wedding to Severine, and it was a fairly nerve-racking experience. Having no speeches meant more time for the eating and the dancing and the drinking (it wouldn't be an Israeli party without these things though given that I had to be in work at 7.20 a.m. the next morning I avoided most of the heavy-duty drinking that went on). Overall though, I think the biggest difference I noticed (other than the lack of singing - how can you have a wedding without singing?) was that the whole thing was just so much more relaxed than any wedding I've ever attended back home, even the ones where there were céilidhs, games on the lawn and raucous live music. I actually rather like the formality of the wedding breakfast, but I suspect that is largely to do with my upbringing and social background and I did enjoy the relaxed atmosphere and laid-back je ne sais quoi vibe of the whole event. I think that difference is largely cultural, Israelis being really not that keen on formality of any kind, plus I gather from Israeli friends who were also there that Naomi and Shimon's wedding was pretty secular in comparison to many.
So, my first Jewish/Israeli wedding. I loved it, with all the tradition and the laughter and the dancing. I've said before on this blog that I like how Jews remember so much, and there are so many actions that are loaded with layers of meaning as a result. Of course wedding ceremonies vary the world over, depending on the religion and cultural context, but when all's said and done the fact that remains that most weddings celebrate the choice that a woman and a man make to form a family of their own and build a life together, and being part of that event is always a joyous and special thing. Having said that, after attending my first wedding in Israel here are the things I think I'm going to need should I ever meet someone I want to marry who also wants to marry me: a country where the weather is warm enough for outdoor partying; loud music and dancing the minute the ceremony is finished; and firm instructions to all guests to stay in their seats and not obstruct the view of people sitting behind them. All this informality is excellent, until someone can't see what's actually going on because the person in front of them decided to film the entire thing on their ipad.
PS. This blog is dedicated to Pauline, who is fabulous.
מזל טוב נעמי ושמעון
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